D00M
by Auriella
Summary: Super Grover is sent to save TeletubbyLand from bad children's programming. Crossover with many shows. Rated for heavy language and general kickass-ery.


_**D00M**_

a fic by auriella

"Who the hell are you?! What're you doing here? Get down! You're in the middle of a crossfire, for God's sake! Down! Get down!"

TubbyLand, located over the hills and far away, was drenched in blood. The sky was black, and the normal overlord, T3H SUN, was absent from the sky. Gunshots blasted through the air and cracked through several feebly-built shields; I dove down besides the purple teletubby who pulled me down, crawling into the small dugout before the bullets reached me. I could tell Tinky Winky was annoyed; he hadn't been told that help had been sent from the Triangle Hall. This I knew.

"Who the hell are you, and WHAT are you doing here?" he demanded. I shrunk, slightly threatened by his large stature. My eyes strayed to the red handbag held firm in his grip; I could only shudder as I imagined what was in there. I eventually managed to speak up.

"My name is Inigo Montoya...you killed my father. Prepare to die." I whipped out my handgun and shot that bitch in the forehead; that was one down. Even though I was here to help, and my name _wasn't_ Inigo, that motherfucker was just too goddamn creepy. Smoothing my blue fur, I crawled further into the hole. Two pairs of frightened brown eyes met me; I could barely make out the figures of Po and La-La. "My name is Grover. And I'm here to save you."

-

The two girls quickly relayed the situation to me, and I nodded as they explained everything. "Hmm...yes. I see. The Triangle Hall sent me to take care of things," I explained, stroking the handgun cradled in my arms. Po shook her head.

"Guns won't do it, Grover. These bastards need...more." Her voice was low and worried; I sighed and set my precious weapon down.

"Alright, then. I guess I'll have to think of something else," I said glumly, putting a frowny-poo on my cute face. "So, how have you guys been doing?" I questioned, wanting to know the body count so far.

La-La made a grim face. "Not well. We already lost Big Bird and Noo-Noo. I swear to God, I thought using that retarded vacuum cleaner as a bomb would work. Needless to say, it didn't," she growled, and I frowned further. That wasn't good. Big Bird had been one of the best fighters. I narrowed my eyes; I would avenge him.

"I'll take care of it." With that, I left and entered the crossfire, carefully stepping over Tinky Winky's body. I had to watch my fur, after all. Blood leaves nasty stains.

-

"Elmo needs backup, backup!" the little red monster wailed as he tried to fight off a very bald four year-old. I gave a cross grunt and picked up a spare piece of pipe, nailing Caillou over his enlarged head. He fell swiftly and Elmo ran up to hug me. "Elmo says thank you." I smiled and ruffled the top of his head before moving on to see who else I could get down.

"Wonder pets, Wonder pets!" I recoiled in shock; how were they here? I didn't have time to worry, though; Bert and Ernie were failing miserably as they tried to drive off the team of teamwork-obsessed animals. I yelled in fury and stomped Winnie into the ground while pushing Tuck's hat over his head and hurtling him my friends' way; they teamed up on him, transforming him into turtle soup. Neat.

That bitch Ming-Ming ran off crying; Barney got her in his claws and got himself some fried chicken. I nodded approvingly and eyed the area where all the stray bullets seemed to be coming from; a tall tower. That's it! I ducked my head and ran in, beginning to scale the stone steps.

-

I was surprised I didn't run into anything at first. Hey, this might actually be ea--OH, shit. Not her! God, please, anyone but...

"Dora, Dora, Dora, the explorrrraaa!" NO. GOD, NO. The hellspawn herself walked down to meet me, Boots tailing her. I broke into a cold sweat. The Triangle Hall had warned me about her; but I though she was in the forests of Mexico, for God's sake! The little girl giggled and whipped out her map. "Map, show me how to get to the unlucky bastard who's going to die!" she commanded. The map smiled -the hell?- and replied,

"Two steps south, Dora!" Dora nodded and stuffed it back into her pants. I don't know, either.

"Do you know how to say death? Say it! Death, death!" she cheered. I screamed; the echo filled my ears, stinging my eardrums. Damn, I screamed like a girl. How would I defend myself? That bitch was unstoppable. I began to cry; she scared me this fucking much. She came closer, closer, those big, hypnotic brown eyes glittering with bloodlust. I gasped as her hands suddenly clenched around my throat.

No...I wouldn't go down like this. I motherfucking round-house kicked her in the face. She hissed in slight pain; that hellspawn could take pain, that was for sure. She pointed at me, shaking her head.

"No, bitch. Boots, attack!" The monkey sprung at me and I had to think fast. I swerved to the right, watching as the ape collided with the railing. I grabbed the bastard by the tail and suspended him above hundreds of feet above the entrance. I had climbed plenty of stairs.

"Leave or the monkey gets it," I hissed, watching as Dora gasped.

"No, Boots! Let him go! Swiper no swiping!" she cried. I smiled in satisfaction...and abruptly dropped him. He fell with a scream, and Dora jumped straight after him. I waited until I heard two splats, then gave a crooked grin. Wow, I defeated Dora the Explorer.

Suddenly an echoing voice met my ears. "First...trial." What the hell did that mean?

-

I walked a bit longer; damn, there were a lot of stairs. I mumbled to myself and was surprised to hear mumbling back. It wasn't any echo, either. I started to get nervous, but I kept on. "Damn castle," I growled. I was copied. It wasn't even my echo then, either. My eyes widened as I remembered. Not them...

"Booooobahhhhhs!" Fuck. I turned to meet a group of colorful walking bushes...or whatever the hell they were supposed to be.

"Hey, boobitches. Wanna tussle?" I was ready for them. I pulled out a switchblade I had been concealing and rushed them. They seemed unresponsive; I stopped in confusion. "The hell? You guys drunk or somethin'?" No response. I waddled over to the blue one. "Hey, tubby. I'm talkin' to you." I poked the knife in his chest.

That got a response.

The boobah suddenly opened his mouth. At first, all I saw was a black hole. Then I made out tiny dots. Wait, not dots...they were white and rounded. No, not quite rounded...they were like the little razors. My...my God, they're teeth. Fangs.

"BOOOBAAHH!" The blue bitch lunged forward to grab my shoulder in it's fangs. I screamed; they were sharp and dug into my flesh. Fuck! I withdrew the switch and slashed it at the boobah's face; it recoiled and I grinned in satisfaction. Take that, motherfucker.

But it wasn't over. Slowly, they all began circling me. They danced in a blinding ring of color; soon everything began to blur. I started to see stars; I was about to let go...wait. It shouldn't end like this. I gave an inhuman roar and jumped straight down, over the rail. I began to fall, and the boobahs plunged over me, one by one. When they were all down, I swung myself to grab onto the nearest rail and plopped safely onto the stairs. The boobahs weren't flexible enough. They fell to the ground, and I heard an explosion; rainbow-colored dust filled the air. Damn, I killed 'em good. I went to work regaining lost ground. The voice met my ears again.

"Second...trial." Well, fuck.

-

I finally made it to the top and managed to admire the view. For all the death and war, black was a pretty color for the sky. I sighed in appreciation and look around. Damn pretty sight. I didn't see anyone else up here. I began to relax a bit.

That was a mistake.

I heard a sudden roar and whirled around, switchblade clenched tightly in my first. But I wasn't prepared for what I saw.

"Do what you want cuz' a pirate is free! You. Are. A. Pirate!"

...my Triangle training didn't prepare me for the monstrosity standing before me. The pink-haired fiend smiled and waved. "Hey, there! Don't be lazy...get up and move!" And move I did. I wasn't going near that psycho. She approached me anyway and grabbed a lollipop out of thin air. "Stephanie says...MOVE, BITCH!" Suddenly the lollipop transformed into a samurai sword. I glanced down at my switch. Damn, I had no chance...I shook myself slightly. I couldn't chicken out now. The whole world of good kids' programming was at stake. I yelled and rushed at her. We clashed blades and she grinned at me.

"Your show makes kids fat. And Teletubbies makes little boys gay!" she bubbled. I winced as she went on. "Soon, the NEW shows of PBS and Nick Jr. will prevail! Your age is over!" she cackled. I sneered and dodged a well-placed jab of her sword, managing to strike my blade across her face when she wasn't looking. She cried out and I thanked God for that lucky strike. But I knew, as she began dancing around me again, it wouldn't be enough. I used my dragon warrior powers and summoned the ultimate weapon.

"GET THE CAKE, BITCH!" I screamed, throwing it over the edge. Stephanie watched it fall, then dove after it.

"It's a piece of cake to bake a pretty cake...if the way is hazy! You got to do the cooking by the book! You know you can't be lazy!" she screamed.

And those were her last words.

-

"Congratulations, Super Grover. You're a hero."

I accepted my medal at the Triangle Hall with great honor. With the death of Stephanie came the death of all the invading icons of poor children's programming. Everything had been set right in Tubbyland. Something stirred in my mind, like I should remember something; but I shook it off.

-

"La-La...? Po...? Why the hell is Tinky-Winky dead?"


End file.
